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10% of all road accidents are caused by drivers under the influence . Does that mean 90% of accidents must be caused by non-drinkers?
Drinking makes you beautiful, darling. But I haven't had a drink. No, but I have.
What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? The drunk doesn't have to bother about going to all those boring meetings.
Two drunks were having a argument as to who made the best home brewed beer. They eventually decided to send samples for chemical analysis. A week later the reply came . It said "After exhaustive tests of both samples, we are unanimous in our conclusion. Neither of these horses should ever race again."
McDonald'sDoesn't Serve Beer Here In The States?
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City andorders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediatelygives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, youmoron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to theNew Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins tochuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. Youcame here for the food!"
BeerNuts
What ís the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.99 a can. Deer nuts are under a buck.
ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer,wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness aboutthe matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up withbreath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancinglike an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe thatex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in themorning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the sameboring story over and over again until your friends want to smashyour head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shingslikethish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the bosswhat you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the officeChristmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering whatthe hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over inthe morning and see something really scary (whose species and/orname you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause ofinexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion thatyou are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, reallyhuge biker guy named "Big Al".
Baptism Preparations
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the youngfather and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Areyou prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife hasmade appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty ofcookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "Imean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg ofbeer and a case of whiskey."
Signs You've Had Enough to Drink:
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off theearth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - Ithink not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinkingproblem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in thebar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screwdinner!
- Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in thebathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
- Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's catmore and more attractive.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- I'm as jober as a sudge.
- The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
- You wake up screaming "TORO, TORO, TORO!" in themiddle of the night.
A Boy In A Saloon
A twelve-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to thebarmaid,
"Give me a Scotch on the rocks."
"You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do youwant to
get me in trouble?"
"Maybe in a few years," replied the boy. "But in
the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."
The Drinking Challenge
Scansey walks into a pub called Pandoras and clears his voiceto the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you wankers are a bunchof hard
drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who
can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room isquiet
and no one takes up the Scansey's offer.
Suddenley Gonz leaves. Thirty minutes later Gonz shows back upand taps the
Scansey on the shoulder. "Is your
bet still good?", asks Gonz.
Scansey says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Gonz tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pandora's patrons cheer as the Scansey sits inamazement.
Scansey gives the Gonz the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind
me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you weregone?".
Gonz replies, "Well... I decided to go to the RSL down
the street to see if I could do it first".